Envy is a way I recognize my hidden desires.
It was 2002, Santa Cruz mountains, CA, I was sitting in my very first Tantra Kriya Yoga workshop with my soon-to-be main spiritual mentor, Bodhi Avinasha. I was suffering terrible envy.
I watched Teresa, Bodhi’s assistant, sitting beside her, in half lotus pose, eyes closed, obviously in a subtle bliss state based on the wave-like kriyas shimmering up her spine. Teresa got to lead portions of the seminar. I felt hot and contracted in my solar plexus as I witnessed myself witnessing her teach and lead the class.
“Why am I feeling as though I hate this woman?” I actually felt deep admiration and love for Teresa. In hindsight I see how this was a clever way for my Higher Self to get through to the denser me. (This IS, by the way, one of the ways the Divine, or our Deeper, Higher Selves communicate to our rational, thinking mind – not directly, but indirectly, through the body. Learning to hear, recognize, honor, and decipher the feeling information that arises in the body, through the chakra system, is an important part of the path of embodied spirituality).
Feeling that intense contraction in my 3rd chakra was one way of having me pay attention to the fact that something life-changing was about to take place (and my ego didn’t like that one bit). The feelings were alerting me that a soul-level desire was arising within me that my thinking-mind was too inflexible to entertain even as a possibility. I was still recovering from depression having been a Ph.D student at Cal, after all. What did I know about ecstasy?
That day at the Mount Madonna retreat center, not only did I want to be Teresa, I wanted to be Bodhi. That is, I wanted to learn from Bodhi and teach Tantric Kriya Yoga.
Stepping onto that potent path of embodied spirituality and gradual, systematic kundalini-awakening was indeed one of the most important steps of my life.
Speaking of desire, the particular tantric path I was drawn to happens to be called “Ipsalu.” It’s a Sanskrit word that means “going beyond desires.” Not that desires are bad in and of themselves. It’s simply alluding to there being two KINDS of desires: egoic- and soul-level desires.
Egoic desires are always compensatory in nature. For instance, “I want to lose 15 pounds so that men will find me more attractive and I’ll finally get the love that I am seeking” (Not that I’ve ever had that thought, mind you 😉). With soul-level desires, there is no “in order to” or “so that…” That’s how you can tell the difference. Soul-level desires include, for example, the desire for true love, connection with God/dess, right livelihood, radiant health. They don’t arise as an attempt to make up for some inherent sense of inadequacy. They just are.
The realization of soul-level desires is fully supported by Existence. It is what allows our own Godliness to shine through us more and more.
My desire to learn to how to channel emerged similarly. Via Envy. (Hm. Perhaps not so deadly of a sin afterall.)
Have you heard of Abraham-Hicks? Whenever I watched Esther doing her thing in videos on YouTube and transmit this amazing esoteric, yet practical wisdom from “Abraham,” I thought, “Oh God! If only I had my own guides and teachers on the other side who would speak to me, or speak through me like that!” And one day, when one of my early tantra teachers, beloved Robert Fry (since transitioned and up-leveled to a bigger Game 🙏), mentioned that Jesus and Babaji were among his teachers, I felt agitated astonishment. I burst out, “You mean, you can have a teacher who doesn’t have a body?! And who’s Babaji, by the way?” I was envious of Robert’s abilities. And I practically sulked inside as one of my colleagues, Etienne Charland, gave me a spot-on deeply compassionate communication, through a set of higher-dimensional beings he channels, about my abandonment issues, that apparently extended into other lives of mine. There was NO WAY Etienne could have known all that stuff about me.
December 2015, in Playa del Carmen Mexico is when I spent that turning-point weekend with Etienne. This time, I dared give voice to my envy. He simply, kindly responded to me, “You can channel too.” And invited me to set the intention. I literally prayed to learn how to open my channel.
One day, in the week following the retreat, I was sitting at my Macbook, like I am now, and the thought entered my mind, “I wonder what Babaji would say about the importance of sexuality for humanity?”
And then I felt this inner prompting, a kind of “knocking at the door” inside of me. I spontaneously let my fingers begin typing on the keyboard…
…to be continued
Until then, for Goddess’ sake, ENJOY!
Love, Jan ❤️️
“It does not matter if you are a rose or a lotus or a marigold. What matters is flowering.” ~Osho